5 Things to do When Angry

I’m sure you people will agree with me that there is one kind of anger that you feel but cannot express. This is because you cannot see the person you are angry with. This kind of anger is what I feel right now. What Ikeja Electric aka Nepa aka Phcn has done to me ehn. I really don’t even know how to express my anger towards them. Nigeria will surely be a better place soon. I just hope my readers are also not angry with me and don’t know how to express it.

Last time, I wrote about those things we should not find ourselves doing when we get angry. I’m happy I was able to get feedbacks from the tips I wrote. I’ve gotten testimonies from people who said they tried these tips and it worked for them. Thank God for that. Today, we would also look through few of the things we should do when we feel angry or when we are angry. Here are 6 things we should do.

1.   Allow yourself to feel angry

It is unhealthy for someone to say they don’t get angry. Of course, you are human. Blood flows through your veins. Therefore, you have the right to get angry. As a matter of fact, when you have to get angry, please do. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m sure we already understand what I mean when I say we should get angry. Don’t get aggressive, just express your feelings and let out your hurt. There are times I tell myself I’m not angry but deep down in my heart; I feel really bad. Please don’t be like that. Express it right there and let the person know. It will be so funny to later tell the person you got angry.

2.    Check Your Mood Before the Incident

It is not all the time that you get angry that it is caused by someone. Were you having a bad day already? Were you already feeling annoyed or irritated? Ask yourself these questions before you burst out in anger. It could just be that the person’s actions were the straw that broke the camel’s back.

3.   Talk to the Person Involved

There are times we get angry blindly. It is always nice to hear from the other person before you jump into conclusions. There could be a reason for some actions at times. As such, the Yoruba adage that says “you don’t get angry with the person you do not see” is correct. Are you feeling angry because of what you’re interpreting their actions to mean? (For example, you may think that your boyfriend not showing up means that he doesn’t respect you, when he may have a valid explanation).

4.   Use “I Feel” Language

Instead of saying, “You didn’t show up so you obviously don’t care about me,” say, “When you forget about the things that are important to me, I feel hurt.” In this way, you’re not assuming the other person meant to make you feel bad. You’re just explaining how it makes you feel so they can understand how their actions impact you. Instead of spoiling everything with anger, you are patiently handling the situation.

5.   Learn From your Anger

In order not to be tagged as an angry person, it is better to learn from your anger. If you discover that you get angry easily, why not find out what causes it? Who are those you spend your time with? Do they respect your values? If not, do away with them and don’t allow them to keep getting on your nerves. If you are too quick to anger, learn how you can improve your response to anger.

6.   Forgive

Please learn to forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive the people who angered you. When I write forgive yourself, I mean exactly that. There are some crazy things we might have done when we got angry. We might have lost some wonderful relationships as a result. The first step is to forgive yourself and then find ways to make amends.  These words can go a long way in keeping relationships “I forgive you” “I’m sorry” “I love you”.

Much Love,

KanyinWrites

Anger DON'Ts

Rejuvenation is a month today and I would want to appreciate all my readers for believing in me. It had not been an easy journey, I must confess. However, it’s really been worth every single bit of my time, energy, internet connection, light, headaches, and all. KanyinWrites would be nothing without constant readers. As much as I write to inspire people, in this first month, I’ve really been inspired myself. I’ve learnt a lot from the underG criticisms I get. As a form of giveaway, I would be appreciating you in the little way I can. I would reward the first 5 people who comment on today’s post (at the end of this post, you will find out what to comment about.) I love you all so much.

We’ve been exploring the topic anger for some days now. I hope we’ve been able to pick out one or two things from the posts so far? Today, I would like us to consider some other things we need to know about anger. Anger is a state of mind that prevents us from thinking clearly. When people are angry, they do and say things they regret later on. Anger is an emotional state that brings hostility with it. I once saw a quote that says that anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. That helped me rethink my own anger. The problem with anger is the side effect of what we do when we are angry. Therefore, this post tells us what not to do and what to do when we are angry. 

The secret to anger management is preparing in advance. If we pay attention and avoid the things listed below, we will be in a better place. Here are some of the things we should NOT DO when we are angry:

·         Do Not Keep Arguing

This is very important. It is not advisable to keep arguing when you have a misunderstanding with someone. Argument solves nothing so there is no point wasting your energy on it. Let us understand that when we are involved in an argument, the other person also wants to claim he/she is right. This can only lead to prolonged argument and the sparking continues. Also, in the cause of a heated argument, you do not have a control of your mind. Things are said that should not have come out from the mouth. It is better when you keep quiet and possibly leave the scene at that moment.

However, understand when you need to be silent and when you need to leave. Some people are just not alright. That’s when they will say, “Are you walking out on me?” “So I’m a fool abi that’s why you are keeping quiet?” “So it is me that is barking?” Avoid arguing with people like this.

·         Do Not Vent

When you are angry is not the time to explain the events that led to your anger. The truth is, the more you talk about it is the more you get angry. The rule is: share your story quickly and stop telling it before your mind notices it and uses it to reinforce the annoying experience. I remember when I had an issue in my relationship. I found out that anytime I talked about it, I always got angrier. Talking about it didn’t help me heal fast and it kept the grudge in my heart. I had to stop talking about it and just let it go. It was then I could find a place in my heart to forgive.

·         Do Not Take it Out on Others

This is what is called transfer of aggression. You never want to mistreat others because you are angry and “having a bad day”. You are the owner of your emotion, keep it to yourself. If you know you have not calmed your nerves down, do not stay around others. Keep your cool until you are capable of dealing with your feelings. I remember one of my teachers in secondary school. You don’t want to have her subject whenever she’s angry. Woe betides you if she asks you a question that you cannot provide an answer to. By the time she pounces on you, you will think it’s more than not getting the answer. Please, don’t make people scared to be around you when they notice you are angry.

·         Do Not Make Decisions

When you are angry is not the time to take decisions. I don’t even know why someone will want to make an important decision when he/she is angry. At that state, you are not thinking straight and people might want to use that as an advantage. Mumsy will read this post but I hope she doesn’t see this part (lol). I remember one time that she was angry with my brother. I was still little then and me I wanted to buy biscuit. That’s how I went to meet her that I wanted biscuit. Though she answered me shouting, it paid off. She was like “go and take money in my purse and leave me alone”. As she didn’t specify how much I should take, I helped myself with enough. It was time for her to use the money and she could not remember how it disappeared. Don’t be like my mum, keep your decisions till when you are calm.

The list is endless on what not to do when angry. Writing more will only make this post long. We have gone through the Don’ts of getting angry. It is important to also note what we should do when we are angry. I’m sure someone will be saying is there something we should do when we are angry again? Yes, there are and they are inexhaustible. I would share just a few in my next post.

I hope we’ve learnt a thing or two from this post today? Regarding my giveaway, I would like you to share with us an event where you got angry and what you did that aggravated the situation or what you did to manage the situation. I also want to learn from you. Remember, first 5 people to comment gets a gift.

Much Love always from

KanyinWrites.

Effects of anger

The things anger has done and will still do, even the power of anger cannot stand it. Anger actually is not bad in the real sense of it. It is part of the configurations of a human being. The Bible itself reiterates this by telling us not to allow the sun set on our anger. The actions that take place when we are angry are what determine whether it becomes sinful or not. As someone aiming to get to the top, it is imperative to be mindful of what you do. Do you take charge of what happens when you are angry or you allow anger control you?

One question I keep asking myself when I’m pushed to anger is “who anger epp?” (who has anger helped?)  From my observations and I’m sure you will agree with me; acting on the impulse of anger does more harm than good. What’s the point of saying you don’t know what got over you or you didn’t mean what you said? Why don’t you just try to calm down first? You can then express your hurt or disappointment to the person involved, as soon as possible.

In this post, I would like to go through some effects of anger. Anger does not only affect us emotionally, it affects us physically (health wise). As a matter of fact, anger affects the people around us. In terms of emotions, anger affects a person so badly. There was a time I was angry with a friend of mine, to the extent that we kept malice. You know all those kinds of outbursts that make you say very stupid things to each other? Both of us started jam talking and stuff. The things we said made us stop talking to each other. Imagine people who virtually spent most of their time together.  Because of anger, we destroyed the beautiful moments we shared. People would ask after her from me and stuff. I started mingling with other people. Emotionally, I felt so pained, I felt hurt in my spirit. Whenever I see her laughing with other people, my heart just usually skipped. I felt very uneasy and most times, I cry. I thought of the events that led to the quarrel and I asked myself if it was actually worth the hurt that I felt. As a result, I had to apologize. The truth however is, we are not as close as we used to be anymore.

There are some loved ones who have hurt us and we concluded we were not going to forgive them. Even if we don’t feel the pain just yet, sooner or later, we will. Let us take the bold step to just tell them how sorry we are. Even if you feel they were the ones at fault, call them and express your feelings. Mind you, if hurtful things have been said in the cause, it cannot be taken back. The only remedy is to prove that you still care. In case it is your boss that angered you and you expressed your anger in the most unrealistic way, you are sure to receive an emotional punishment. For some bosses who are not so nice, the person gets a sack letter. Some other bosses could be nice enough to demote such person. In the long run, after you realize your shortcomings, the deed has been done.

In terms of health, the list is endless. Anger makes us exert much energy than usual. Unnecessary muscles are flexed and in the cause, we could shout on top of our voices. This leads to headache, high blood pressure, depression, heart attacks and the likes of it. For those who keep people in mind when they are angry, when that person is sighted, their hearts skip. This reaction is most times not good for the health because the body could be in shock. For some people, when they are angry is the time they eat sugary things (ladies in the building). If the routine continues that way, being overweight is knocking on your door. And for those who become Mohammed Alli when they are angry, they could get hurt in the process. What’s the point of having a swollen eye or mouth when you could easily have left the scene knowing well that you are hot tempered? In my next post, I would be writing on what to do and what not to do when you are angry.

Anger can affect every day activities, like work and extracurricular. It becomes hard to focus on tasks or accomplish projects. People would not want to work alongside you. Anger also causes feelings like guilt, remorse and shame (especially if you generally act out in ways that you later regret.) If you’re angry and constantly stressed because of this, it’s also likely that you’ll feel unable to let loose and have fun.

Just like the saying that laughter is contagious, the same goes for other emotions too. Your anger can affect not only you, but the people in your life as well. It casts a negative feeling on those around you. At the very least, your anger can cause people to feel put off, upset, intimidated, afraid, or a handful of other unpleasant emotions. You’re also running the risk of pushing loved ones out of your life for good. Do you lash out at your partner when you’re angry? Whether this is emotional, physical or both, it can have an extremely negative effect on your partner’s well-being. Solving conflict with anger, yelling and violence also sets an unhealthy standard in a relationship. When your partner sees that you get angry at every instance of telling you the truth, it reduces open and trusting communication.

I hope this inspires someone today. If there is anyone who has hurt you or who you have hurt as a result of anger, take the necessary steps today. Rise up against the effect of anger. Anger has nothing on you. Remember, you are responsible for what you do.

Much Love,

KanyinWrites.

When I'm Angry...

So I wrote yesterday that it is normal for people to get on our nerves. Since we all have functional brains, it is normal for us to get angry. You can imagine waking up in the morning and praying to God that the day should go smoothly for you. You then step out of your house for the business of the day; the first person they sent to you might be the bus driver who refuses to leave one spot until the bus is full. The anger is being built up gradually, and then the conductor decides to join you with another person because he does not have change. In your mind, you are like shey this guy is not crazy sha? Well, it’s too early to start arguing with a fool like you; keep the change. 

You finally get to work and there are lots to do on your table. As you are thinking of how to get started, a general meeting is called and Mrs. Manager starts yelling at you. She tells you how very incompetent you’ve been and how you need to sit up. She says everything you’ve been doing have just been somehow and she doesn’t even know why you were employed in the first place. At that moment, it is as if an invisible hand could give her a slap for you because you work like no man’s business and she doesn’t just appreciate.

There is always one day that just gets really annoying like the scenario I stylishly painted above. There are usually some forces that decide to gang up to fuel the anger in you. Most especially when they call you Mr, Mrs or Miss Gentle. For instance, when you are driving on Lagos road and you try to form that you are gentle. First time, the danfo driver just does somehow and you are like, let it just pass. Another one scratches your car while dragging with you in the traffic jam, let him just go. Then maybe you are finally getting to your final destination and one guy that is forming big boy decides to show his power. It is at that instance that one bolt will just loose from where it was tightly screwed and the mouth just starts producing big big grammar.

Today, I am writing on what happens when we get angry. As for me, when I get angry, I notice that my body starts to shake. Then my big eyeballs become so red, I begin to sweat on my palms and the tip of my nose. The worst is when I decide to talk when I’m angry; instead of releasing my rage carefully, I will be shouting and crying. All these things that happen to me actually have their biological processes. 

First, the brain receives the message; like yo man, this girl is looking for your trouble. At this stage, your brain is trying to help figure out what the next action should be. Afterwards, the message is sent to the adrenal gland. They get to work releasing some hormonal assistance in the form of adrenaline. Your adrenal glands also let out some testosterone to give your anger a little power boost.

Next, adrenaline sends an intense wake up call to your muscles, twitching and jerking them into action. It is at this stage that for some guys, their palms gradually turn to fists. If a person is still at the scene at this stage, the next thing that occurs is that the adrenaline increases in the body system. This increases the volume and speed at which a person begins to speak. At this stage, one is being worked up and the pulse begins to increase. Trust me, at this stage there is little or nothing that can be done to appease the gods of anger.

Finally, this last stage is not nice at all. At this point, the deed has been done, blows have been exchanged. Most times, the actions are always dreadful and in the long run, the body calms down. At this point, the person begins to blame his or herself for what had happened.

Excessive anger can cause long term damage and a lower quality of life, leading people to poor decisions, risky decisions, and make them more vulnerable to substance abuse problems. As leaders of tomorrow, let’s get rejuvenated and make efforts to overcome anger and not allow anger overwhelm us. 

Much Love,

KanyinWrites.

A Must Read

Attention! Attention!! Attention!!!

I have some things going through my mind that I would like to pour out. Last week, I was wondering what next I would be writing on and how relevant it is going to be to my readers. As I was thinking of it, some events just happened in my life that made me realize that there is something really important that needs to be written on that most of us do not realize.

Towards the end of last week, it was as if they sent people to me; like Yoruba people will say. It was like they were sent to get on my nerves and trust me, they succeeded. It’s been a very long time since I got angry but this past week, I got angry well. But the type of anger I felt was one that I could not burst out so well and there was nobody to even transfer aggression to. However, there was something I did that I was surprised at. The way I was able to handle it was very surprising and at the end, I realized that it was worth it.

It is normal for people to get on our nerves and it is normal for us to get angry. However, we need to be careful of what we do when situations as such arise. This week, we would be going through various things that occur when we are angry, what anger can actually do and how we can in turn manage anger. Anger is not a sin, it only becomes a sin when we act on the impulse and do unthinkable things. 

Much Love,

KanyinWrites.

Principle #6

Is it not amazing that there are people here on earth that make money from doing things that we would necessary not imagine could bring them lots of money? Yesterday, there was really nothing to watch on the decoder, as all the channels were showing boring stuffs. I started tuning from one channel to another hoping to get one that will diminish my boredom and raise my spirit. In the long run, the least expected channel (Channels TV) did the trick. I can’t remember what the title of the program is right now but they were talking about dreams and goals and how our dreams are what inspire us to set goals. Two beautiful young ladies were interviewed; one was a chef and the other the managing director of jumia foods. These ladies both studied law and one of them actually practiced for few years but in the long run, she resigned from work and decided to chase her dreams. The other one (MD of jumia foods) was born and brought up in London but came back to Nigeria 3 years ago just to pursue her dream. For these two ladies, people thought they were crazy and although they took risky decisions, it’s paying off because they are doing what they love. We’ve been through 5 principles so far on how we can not just think out of the box of limitations, but actually destroy the box. Today, I am sharing with us the last principle, principle number 6 which says DO WHAT YOU LOVE.

There’s really not much to write about this. It is just as it states because in discovering yourself, there are innate abilities and endowments that were discovered. Some people claim that they do not have talents. I totally disagree because I believe that each of us on earth has that particular thing that we can do best. God has deposited something unique in you that makes you different from the person next to you. A question most people ask is: “how do I discover my talent?” The answer is as simple as ABC. It is in form of a question: “what do I enjoy doing by default?” There is that particular thing that once you start doing it, you derive pleasure. For some people, it could be singing, dancing, writing, cooking, drawing and as funny as it might sound, talking.

Like I wrote in one of my posts, most people who work today do not necessarily enjoy what they do but it is important that they make ends meet and be able to put food on their table. This is understandable and very true. However, I feel we deserve to be happy and as much as we try to exert our energy into the growth of another man’s business, organization and company, we should also try to find the space to do what we are passionate about. For instance, if you are passionate about fashion, nothing stops you from running a fashion outlet alongside the job you do.

For those who haven’t found a job yet, I believe we should not despise the time of little beginnings. So many of us are particular about making big money all at once but I feel you can derive joy, pleasure and satisfaction by doing what you love doing, alongside searching for a job (that’s if you feel your talent is not lucrative). Many of those we see out there making it from their talents, have stories to tell of their humble beginnings. As for blogging, I derive pleasure from doing what I’m doing that is why even if I am not making money from it just yet, the fact that I derive joy in what I’m doing by inspiring people, keeps me going. 

Dare to do what you love, take that decision and of course with God’s permission. If you have to quit that job that is depriving you of your happiness, please do. You should not allow someone or something rob you of your happiness and living a fulfilled life. Let people call you stupid, let them ask if you are crazy. Don’t worry, you might not have the right answer and you might not be able to convince them just yet but I promise you, as long as it is God’s plan for your life, your achievements will give people the answer. I heard Falz’ father was disappointed in him when he heard that he was going into singing and comedy but this same man dropped the money Falz used for his ‘soldier’ video.

I hope we have been able to learn or two things from the various principles that have been shared so far? I believe following these principles will go a long way in destroying the box of limitations. Please be rejuvenated and have a different attitude to life because life is beautiful and should be enjoyed. And please don’t forget: Do not always settle for the status quo, do not settle for mediocrity, discover yourself, develop yourself, do not imitate, do what you love. God bless you and I love you guys so much because you all keep me going.

Much Love,

KanyinWrites. 

Principle #5

Yoruba people have words and expressions for every little thing and I’m proud to be a Yoruba geh. Today, I’m borrowing two words ‘orisirisi’ meaning ‘different different things’ and ‘radarada’ meaning ‘arrant nonsense’. I hope I’m right with my translations sha. Anyway, to my story for the day. My story is about MTN Project Fame and the ‘orisirisi’ people that used to go for this auditions. There was this particular year that one guy went for the auditions and what he did was ‘radarada’. This guy went in with pants and chains on his body and when he was asked why he appeared like that, he said he was singing Fela’s song and so, he decided to dress like him. Uncle Dede, who was part of the judges was so angry and disgusted and he said and I quote “who told you Fela used to go about naked? Get out of this place right now”. The guy thought with that, he was going to win the hearts of the judges but unfortunately for him, it backfired. You people will say KanyinWrites has come again; what is she driving at with this irrelevant story she is writing? Well, don’t vex ehn, I’m just trying to be funny and also inspiring. Today, we are going to my principle number 5 which states and I write “copy copy e no good ooo” meaning “Do not imitate”.

It is normal for us to have someone or people that we look up to as mentors or role models in different aspects of our lives. Most times, we always love to be like them, act like them because we like what they do or because what they do is exactly what we would love to do. For me, Fela Durotoye is one person I look up to when it comes to public speaking and being a life coach and that is because one of my dreams is to become a renowned public speaker and life coach in the nearest future. However, I wouldn’t say because I look up to him and I listen to him speak, I will like to start speaking like him or I will start to use his style.

We need inspirations and good examples to follow and fortunately we have many of them. We can learn lot of things by reading about their lives, their struggle and their achievements, their qualities which helped them to overcome difficulties in their lives. You can follow them on social media and if peradventure, your stalking game is lit, you meet them one on one. However, the problem comes when people try to copy their idols, they try to become another X or Y, which is impossible. God has given unique identity to all of us; each of us is different from another. By trying to become someone else we are going against nature. Nature never copies, every living thing produced by nature is unique, and no two things are carbon copy of each other (even a twin has something different from the other).  We all are unique in our own way and have our own nature and qualities but we don't even try to search for them but try to become someone else and in turn we kill our original self. In a process to become someone else most of the time we lose our own identity permanently.

Someone might want to ask “does that mean I should not read about my mentor again? So I should not learn from them again? Of course no. In one of the principles, I wrote about discovering yourself and the previous principle says develop yourself. In the process of doing that, it is advisable for people to go through this stage of getting to know how other people who are excelling in one field or another went about it. For me, in developing myself as a blogger, I have started reading on how people started and how they are making money and all. I will not now say because Linda Ikeji is making it from writing gossip, me too I must change to gossip or because BellaNaija is making it because of her fashion and wedding stories, I will switch to that. As for public speaking, I listen to Fela Durotoye anytime I have the opportunity to and truth is, I am trying hard to make sure I meet this man one on one (please anyone with his phone number, halla). Therefore, we should definitely try to take inspiration from people around us, from all great people who are living or lived on this planet but resist the temptation of imitating them. There is difference between imitating someone and getting inspired by someone and we should understand that. Rather than trying to imitate somebody we should try to discover ourselves, understand our true nature and try to be ourselves. Let’s discover the real us and the fact is no one like us existed before or will exist after, we all are unique. Let’s give ourselves chance to express our true consciousness, our true personality not the one which society or people around us want us to be. Let’s just be ourselves.

Please remember these:

•  No one else is you, so embrace who you are.
• It’s much work being someone else rather than being yourself.
• Your combinations of strengths are unique to you and no one else.
• Your experiences are unique to you and their experiences are unique to them.

Much Love,

KanyinWrites.